Believe in Me
by angelcorrupted
Summary: That's it, isn't it? I hit you when I'm drunk, don't I?. Songfic; Believe In Me by Rooney. Read and review. MxM


If I owned Death Note, L, Matt, and Mello would still be alive. Are they? I didn't think so, therefore Death Note is not mine. Lyrics belong to Rooney.

* * *

_I can never win with you  
I try but you don't let me through  
What's the point in fighting when we're down? _

Our arguments are pointless. You're always the more witty and sarcastic one, coming up with points I'd never think of; making me be number two even with you. You don't let me near you, and you cringe under my touch. What did I do to you, Matty? So I've been moody and an asshole and I've drank more than I eat chocolate... well sort of. What do I do to you when I'm drunk? You look at me with fear if our eyes meet, like your expecting me to hit you.

That's it, isn't it? I hit you when I'm drunk, don't I? Matt! You couldn't talk to me about this?

_I know I've been acting strange  
But wait don't leave I know I'll change  
We're wasting all our time together now _

How would you feel if you had gazed adoringly at your reflection every time you saw a mirror, and then, in half a second, half of said face was gone? I'm trying to get over the shock of seeing bright red and pink flesh on the left side of my face. I'm not acting like the Mihael Keehl you know, and I'm aware of that. But please, whatever you do Matty, don't leave me. I don't know what I'll do without you. Waste some more time with me and I promise, no I swear, that I'll be back to normal!

_I don't know what to say  
Every word just makes you turn away  
And I don't know what to do  
Every day I want to be with you _

I don't know what to do. You don't just cringe under my touch, but you look at me with hate filled eyes. You don't even speak in words anymore, Mail! If I'm lucky, you grunt answers without looking away from whatever you're doing. Most of the time, though, you'll just turn your back to me. My presence scares you, okay I get that, but yours doesn't scare me. God, Matt, can you not see the difference in my behavior when I'm sober and when I'm drunk? Do I act the same? Has my normal behavior always frightened you, and you've just never showed it? Goddammit Matt, tell me these things!

_Well I've lost the battle and I'm losing the war  
And I keep on asking myself what for_

I'm losing you, I can see it. I can see your urge to leave me here by myself so I can hopefully ram my head through a wall or fall off the balcony and kill myself. I know you aren't hoping I'd do that, but the way you act... it makes me wonder why I'm trying.

_  
If you believe in fate and destiny  
Then open your eyes and believe in me _

Believe the words I tell you every day Matt, or at least only when I'm sober. I love you. I don't want you to leave. You're everything to me. Most importantly, I'm sorry. If you used to care about me, or still do, open your eyes and see the truth behind the words!

_I call up and apologize  
But you just think its one big lie  
Don't you know you're pushing me away? _

I didn't know it was entirely my fault until now, but even before Matty, your behavior was making me question your sanity, making me want to split as soon as possible. You shake your head when I tell you that I love you. Sure, I know why now, but I was _this close_ to leaving when you did that. You're lucky it was the truth, no matter how much you say differently.

_We've been through so much together  
You can't tell me the past will never  
Mean a thing it's more than a memory _

Matt, you're talking in your sleep again. I hear your sweet whispers as I'm sitting on the floor here, next to your bed. You're talking about a prank we pulled on Near. I remember that... we put super glue on his Optimus Prime and glued it to the dresser so he couldn't play with it. That was a fun day, wasn't it? I remember every thunderstorm at Wammy's. We slept in the same bed, huddled close due to our fears. Do any of the memories mean a thing to you anymore, dear Mail Jeevas? What was that? Matt... why are you screaming my name in a voice that indicates severe pain?! Matt, what is it this time? You're telling me to stop... that you'll bleed to death. What the fuck have I done to you?!

_Cause everyone I see around  
Tells me that I'm such a fool  
For making you my punching bag  
When things really weren't that bad _

I'm sorry, Matt, I really, truly am. I'm more of an idiot than I ever thought for letting this happen, for not seeing the signs. I never meant to make you the target of my angry drunkenness. You'll find this note on your forehead when you wake up. I'll sleep on the couch so you can throw it at me, and I'll hide your lighter and the matches so you can't burn it. Things aren't bad between us, my dear Matty... or at least they didn't used to be.

_I've lost you now  
I've lost you now  
But I don't know how to get you back  
I'm not myself  
I'm not myself  
I've gotta get us back on track  
_

I don't think we'll ever be the same again, to tell you the complete truth. You'll have the memories of the abuse, and I'll have the guilt of being the one of scarring you so much. I'm sure you'll leave me regardless of what I say and how much I say it and I don't know how I'll get you back. This burn on my face was a life changing experience, and maybe I've danced with the devil too many times to be sane anymore. I'm not the normal Mihael Keehl.. I know. But I will be.

And somebody, someday soon I hope, we'll be the normal Mail Jeevas and Mihael Keehl. Best friends until the end, together forever. I love you, and I hope you understand by now.


End file.
